Panic

  People don’t understand how i panic. I try so hard to prepare for stuff but i can’t for everything and especialmente when I’m upset. Too much changes or nerves or excitement is just as bad as physical stimulation (such as lights, noses, e c t. .) Like today i knew they were bringing furniture but that wasn’t enough. There were several strangers around me talking and moving things in such a small space and they were all going way to fast. I tried to stay calm but it doesn’t work so well. It’s not that i was ungrateful. Honestly I’m thrilled people are finally trying to help me but it’s just to much. And then i have to feel bad that i can’t cope. I know it’s hard dealing with me but it’s also hard being me. I can’t control how mi mind and body reacts to different stimulation, i try mi best tho. It can be scary feeling like everything even yourself is out of control. And then they expect me to talk (or write) about what I’m feeling or thinking when part of me is blank and the other part is a million miles a minute. Mi mind and body are in fight or flight i can’t think of words during that time (even calm that’s hard). It can be hard. Take surprises they can be exciting and I’ll have no choice but to cope best i can which might not be so good depending on things. But if you warn me i could panic premature and not be able to go or just leave our hide. And just like I’ve barely understood anything that’s happened all week. People have talked at me so fast and i can’t do nada but just agree cuz i do want thier help but I’m clueless. I’ve never lived alone and it’s scary. I love having stable housing and is mine which is great but it’s a huge change from either being on the streets in la la land or having people around making sure I’m eating and other things. I just wish someone would take time to realize i can’t keep up and cope. I need a person to give some pics or something and take thier time explaining things and preparing me. I know I’m smart but i need time to process stuff.

Communication

I spend roughly 97% of mi time trying to prepare for everything that’s going to happen places I’ll be, things people will do and say, sensory changes ect. . . If i can know and semi understand what going to happen or could happen i can try to prepare how to handle it, what do or write. But anything happens of script say i drop something or get asked a cuestión and I’m lost. And i even have key word scripts for instance if i hear the word ok i agree, i hear mi name i look ect. . . And then there are words. Allot of time i ‘speak’ in riddles or circles trying to get something out but unable to find the words so i try to make people dance around mi language to figure it out. But the other thing is that everything i do communicates things sometimes very important things that no one gets cuz it’s not verbal. For instance nodding mi head means something like i don’t know what’s going on but sure you’re right. Or the few words i use over and over (written) that have meaning that no one really gets such as Mew which i think translates like  need support our giving support even though I’m not able to understand/explain the issue. Even the fact that i do everything the same over and over explains that i don’t know what to do if stuff isn’t where it’s suppose to be (hence of script). There’s a message in most things that i can’t pin point out always know i should. But it works similar to the body language things neurotypical people have that i barely understand. Unfortunately neither side understands how the other communicates very well. But that doesn’t mean no one is trying.

Adulthood

  So for those who don’t know I’m 23yr. I was diagnosed with autism late (well rediagnosed). At age 22yr after years of changing diagnoses. I’ve been in and out of therapy, hospitals, and placements mi whole life. I was labeled with everything from adhd to depression to schizophrenia. None of which made sense to me. Now they finally got it right. The things they showed me about autism clicked with mi experience from not being able to process verbal info well to sensory issues to being mono focused to self stimming ect. But now that they know what’s going on i still can’t get resources. Since there is no paperwork of me diagnosed as a child i don’t qualify for development disability services. And since i was in the hospital I’m referred to mental health services. Never mind that every hospital said i didn’t need to be there. Never mind being misunderstood and misdiagnosed. Never mind that i need help with ‘simple’ task. Not that I’d mind mental health system if they helped. But they say i don’t need thier help and the few who would consider me deny me based on not talking. Doesn’t matter that i communicate in various ways. Doesn’t matter that i barely understand verbal speech especialmente if i didn’t prepare for it. It sounds like dinosaurs to me. I think in colors and music. I even pick up asl better than words. I’m not mentally challenged which is apparently what people think when they learn i don’t talk even though I’m not deaf. The other crazy thing is that some people/services who have known me for years could’ve diagnosed me a long time ago but didn’t. But when i got diagnosed they were like Ah yes of course i see that by looking at you. So I’ve learned that people view you in a lens based on what they’re told. Tell them I’m having mental issues they see it even when the medicine doesn’t help but tell them I’m autistic and they see it even though I’m acting the same way. Silly people tricks are for bunnies. I just want housing and some help with things like scheduling mi days and dressing right. Maybe even making a friend or going to school or work. But at this rate the only thing that will happen is i get sent to a nursing home.