Why mi self don’t exist

Yes that’s sounds wrong. But i said it how i meant. Technically i exist, however MI defining persona often called a self doesn’t. Sure it’s slowing emerging but it may never fully exist. The almost titles for this was why MI self Es illegal or why i don’t git to say no. Technically this article es about mi autism, but it also encompasses other parts of life, for me and others; such as being LGBTQ or having a culture.
   Mí entire life me had been made to comply, to fit in a nice box that is pleasing to the world. If i was uncomfy looking in your eyes it didn’t matter cuz you wanted me to. If i wanted to climb a tree it didn’t matter if you thought it was improper. If wen i wad excited i jumped, i was told to be calm. But then wen i showed no joy that was bad. Even it was wrong to use MI left hand because it wasn’t normal. And if i was upset y didn’t want to be touched it didn’t matter cuz someone else wanted a hug. It’s never stopped,  ‘quiet hands’, ‘use your words’, ‘don’t dress like that’ , and on y on y on. All to make somebody else, anybody else, everybody else happy or comfortable. It never mattered wat i wanted or needed or felt. It still doesn’t. After many years of therapy I’ve gotten to a decent sense of accepting who i am, but nobody does. Y even alone I’m afraid to be myself fully.
   The amount of abuse y being taken advantage of had condition me to realizing that if i want to survive much less live then I’m not showed to be me. I must make everyone else happy. Example if a person wanted to have sexual relations if i refused I’d get beat or worse but if i didn’t fight it i may git treats whether it was food, clothes, taking me to the doctor, or being told i am loved and good and beautiful.
    I’m trying to tell myself that’s it’s ok to be me, to be different, y even to need help. But it isn’t. If i want to go outside in clothes that are sensory friendly and somebody else doesn’t like it, I’m expected to change even if it’s not for MI health (like being told it’s to cold). If I’m expressing mi feelings en a non typical way y others Es uncomfy, i have to stop even if Noone es being hurt. I’m not allowed to be ok with MI life cuz I’m suppose to want more,  more money, more friends, more things to do simply cuz that Es considered normal. It’s not supuse to be normal to still be honest about liking cartoons or to have a purely intellectual conversation.  
    I can respect somebody trying to help because something Es unsafe. But if u only want me to change for your comfort level that’s not fair. I’m not very sorry if mi differences make you feel awkward cuz i have to live with me. I have learn to cope y work y start to accept mi differences y challenges. So you don’t like i don’t always use words or that i need MI headphones. Those things inconvenience you. But you know what? MI difficulties w language y sensory processing hinder me 24/7. I am doing wat can to meet in the middle y to function. I care more about being to able to do something than wat me looks like doing it.
   If I appear to functional, then i must not need help. But i don’t seem to function En some situations, then i must not be able to do anything. And either way if i ask for help I’m attention seeking or not trying.
   If you really want help me or another individual then start by not only accepting but even embracing them, differences, strengths, y weaknesses. Cuz if u don’t then how are we going to learn is ok to express ourselves. If you try to change us just to look normal then we are being taught to be ashamed of who we are and that we don’t matter as individuals. The next step Es to try to listen to us, however we communicate. We want help and you want to help us but we may have different things in mind or different ideas on how to do it best; for example i have not ever wanted to learn to talk, but i do have the goal of better communication. Have i done mi best at trying to understand others wen they talk? Yes, but i don’t always. I don’t force anyone to communicate by a different form cuz i don’t want to be forced to. But we have to meet in the middle. And whereas is easy to tell me I need to change cuz I’m the minority, honestly it’s more efficient for you to adapt to me since you’re more capable. I’m struggling enuff to do this well at communicating, but you git to take it for granted that language Es so natural for you.


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