Thinks and feels

We use to say I think my feels and feel my thinks. And it’s true I have to think of what me am feeling, but my thinks are not in words but a strange feeling with music and color mixed in. 

Do you know mine fav time every day? It’s the small times when I get to be me. When I am at peace with myself. I don’t have any words in my head and am not try to be anything. I maybe at the park swing or watch a fun show or just play with Allie. But it can happen at any random time when me am so happy me completely forget who me am supposed to be. Those times me makes lots of mouth noises and flap more and grab at stuff. And don’t care at all. I love those times where me can be myself. 

So the 6 minutes test was horrible. I made 100 feet with the forearm crutches and took all day to recover. Now when me and Allie take the morning walk no matter how far I can go or not after that I’m done for the day. I mean even standing in the shower to long is hard. So after we get back at 10 or 11 I may not leave the apartment again until 20:00 for a small walk for Allie to potty. 

Even with the doctors agree me can’t walk I have weird feelings. So much of my life even now sometimes people tell me I am pretending or seeking attention or it’s all in mine head. Those thinks don’t go away. Me still has to tell myself me am not but am not sure. It’s not nice to not be able to trust how you feel and think. 

At court me did the thing me am try not to. They was tell me of the papers and ask if me understand and me just nod yes. But me didn’t. The lady understand me didn’t and explain it more better. I am try learn to say when I not understand and not to just say yes to everyone. But it’s hard after years of being hurt if me did those. That can get me in trouble or worse. For over a year I did not know what the lease say. And people have hurt me because I didn’t know it was ok to say I didn’t understand or to say no. But me did ask the lady for a different way than stairs because it was silly to want me to use them the day after me say the doctor say no stairs but it was hard to ask because in my head me was think maybe her to hit me or tell me to stop pretend. She has never hit me but she do keep think me can talk if me wants. 

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