Functioning?

I know there’s all this stuff of high or low functioning and stopping the levels. But that’s not what this is of. There is another part that is important to think of and that’s if a person can live independent/alone or not. This is mine thinking place of my functioning and able to live alone. 

There is a pattern of what people think of me. If you only see me for small amounts I’m low functioning and where is my caregiver. If you spend a few hours by me or see my writing I’m high functioning despite my obvious disabilities (and you think I’m way smarter than me am). If you take the time to know me and close I’m low functioning but strong and smarter than people expect but in different ways. And everyone is wrong. I’m not low functioning or high functioning. I don’t need to in eyesight all the time. But I can’t even pretend to be neurotypical for a few minutes. Should I live alone? I don’t know. Can I cook? No. Will I burn down the apartment? No. Do I need help? Yes. Do I need to be told what to do 24/7? No. 
I know I’m like a child. I spend most my time watching cartoons, laying with my stuffies and toys, or  coloring. Or playing kid games on my iPad. But I have the responsibility of adult. I have to find a way to eat and put on clothes and pay rent and go see doctor. I’m not the best at any of those but I do them eventually. I have a lot of supports on Compass (Dynavox) and the iPad to help with these. Do I do better with people help with those? Yes. But there’s more to living with people than getting help. When I’m alone I have way less (and less severe) meltdowns and shutdown. I control my sensory environment. I’m not miscommunication with myself. Nobody is trying to make me be age appropriate or be social. Nobody is messing up my routines and rituals. Nobody is upset that it takes me hours and days to do things. I’m not a burden on anyone. I’m disappointing anyone by not hugging them or being able to do things they think I should. If I go to the store I can leave if I need to or take hours and nobody will care. People come with expectations and they needs. I have a hard time with my own needs, I can’t handle anyone else’s. I’m not trying to be selfish or uncaring but I’m just not able to. I don’t need expectations, I need you to see me as me am not who you want me to be. I’m sure some of this comes from my past. the abuse and the homelessness and the aloneness and abandonment, but also the times I’ve lived somewhere with people. As much as I know I could use help it’s not worth my sanity. I can’t be hurt anymore on purpose or accident. I love the peace of my own safe place. I may not take the best care of my physical health, but my mental emotional health is better. I’m mostly happy with myself and my life when I’m not worry of what society wants and expect of me. 

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2 thoughts on “Functioning?

  1. Most people would consider me high functioning since I talk well, I’m very smart and I can do a lot of things independently. But I still can’t live independently. I’m very disorganized and forgetful and there are some things I can’t do, like clean up messes. High functioning means your difficulties are ignored, low functioning means your strengths are ignored.

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