When my body can’t stim

I know me write that funny. But it’s for reason. I’m not talking of being told not to stim. Or making yourself not. I’m talking of when my body is so weak it can’t. Stimming is a big part of how me interact with the world. It’s a way of communication. And more important it’s a way to keep me from overwhelming and shutdowns and meltdowns. I don’t stim on purpose most the time. If me thinks on it or gets me reminded I’m may work with a stim like moving my finger for a chew tube. But it’s mostly natural and automatic. Over the last few months mine ms (multiple sclerosis) has be get more bad so my body gets tired and more weak and hurt more easy. The 1st stim to get hard was rocking. I have always rock lots. Not being able to rock alone or in a chair is really hard. It helped me focus and without it I’m has more hard time understanding spoken words and process what me see. It also was my best way to calm down feelings. Without it my feelings get so big and scary. I’m do vocal stim lots more now that me can’t rock but it’s not as good. Me bites more and headbang more. I don’t mean to but my body has to. Sensory stuff is harder. Besides rocking now me can’t always hand flap or even cover my ears. And chewing is way harder. Me used chew all the time but now after less than hour my head can’t no more. At my worst I’m a rag doll. And all these things hurt my brain and ears and eyes and skin and feelings and me can’t do anything. My body just kinda lays there. Maybe I can barely move my head or a finger or make a small noise. But mostly not. I’m get stuck with all this pain and there’s no escape and nobody knows or understand. Night and morning is the worst. I’m still can’t sleep. But for hours and hours I’m just laying there awake. Sirens come and go. People talk and construction starts. Clothes hurt my skin. Lights hurt my eyes and head. Electricity is so loud. There’s all this sensory pain and of course the body pain. Without being able to stim I’m tortured and trapped. Autism is not trapped me. But this ms traps me in a world that tortures me. I’m need stim more than breathe. I cry more now and my feelings get big. I’m not able to communicate with people as much as me was. I can barely leave my room. I’m has to take Allie to potty but it’s not the long walks we liked. Everything is to much. I hide in my safer places. Taking more baths again. Even when I can’t get out the tub by myself. I’ll stay in there for hours under the water to be ok. And I think of how crazy it is some people put themselves in this torture of not being able to stim. And me thinks how sad it is that some people force others into this. You know this constant torture on the body and brain and sensory can cause ptsd. It’s not the same as the abuse you think of but it’s still traumatized. Trust me I have ptsd from abuse. And this constant fight on my body and mind is just as hard. So me wanted to explain this to maybe helps people understand. If you has autism stim is ok because it helps you. And if you know a person who stim let them, it’s a way to cope with the world and understand it and communicate. 

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