Being me

I know who me am. And I know that for now nobody can accept all of me. I’m to complex, a contradiction. I have a Facebook and a YouTube and this. I don’t think anyone who follows all 3 would understand it’s all of the same person. Here you see mine thinks in words. Facebook you see mostly things I like in pictures, mostly shared photos from Disney and other things me likes it shows a person who may be lower iq but can read and has friends. YouTube you see my body, the wheelchair, the stimming, a person who shows how they’re trying to learn to read, a person who looks like they can’t do anything without help. It’s all me. I take weeks, months, to write these posts. In my everyday life I practice reading and typing because I have multiple disabilities that make hard including aphasia and memory problems and yes a low iq. Most my interactions happen on a child’s level, and honestly I’m ok with that because functionally that’s where me am. What I’m not ok with tho is when people do 1 of 3 things (and pretty much everyone does)- they either 1) assume that because of my language/iq/processing differences and my interest that I don’t have any thinks 2) they assume that because they saw my typing or because I’m alone (when im not vocally stimming) im a very high functioning person 3) they completely ignore me as a human and instead look for or only speak someone is with me, normally about me. These are all wrong. I do think about things, it takes me much longer to process and find words and I may need help understanding but I have thinks of politics and of science and philosophy type things. If you can email me, be patient, and use simpler words I can surprise you. But even tho typing I can show thinks in the everyday world I can’t understand spoken words well. Every part of a conversation is hard for me- understanding your voice, finding meaning to those words, remembering all them, finding a response, finding words to use for the response, finding a way to express those words. The mall is close to me, sometimes i take my chair there and visit the same stores where they know me. I take hours trying to get something, the staff help me make choices, do math, pay for things, even help me put away everything. They read what I type and are patient. They don’t mind if I stim or sit in 1 place for a long time. You want to something awesome? My good arm is hurt so I’m using the other that has half the muscle and i can barely control (not the awesome part); i still spent 3 hours using that arm to get dressed and ready all by myself. I put on a song on repeat and stimmed as much as needed and did everything my way without judgement and got it done. When me can forget what everyone wants from me I’m can be happy. It’s ok that I love my stuffies and toys and Disney. And it’s ok that I watch the matrix and that me worry of what will happen to mine ssi me needs to live because the new president is scary. Me not needs fit in a box. Me has seen stuff by others that is nonverbal but is super smart and the same level as other people them age. But that’s not me. And it’s ok. It’s ok that me needs help. It’s not ok that because me needs help people don’t see me as a person. I’m so much more than my differences/disabilities even tho they are part of me that we all needs accept. Rafiki said look beyond what you see. You can see my body that doesn’t work good, and you can see my mind/brain is different, but what you can’t see is the most important- my soul if fine. I love and feel and think just like everyone else. I just can’t express it good. Here’s some things about me. I’m nonverbal, a quadriplegic, has trouble reading 1st grade level books. But more important I’m independent, creative, understanding, and love to make people smile. I’m a survivor of abuse and bad health and homelessness but I’m always positive and focus on the more good things. Well except maybe this blog where me try help people understand what they can’t see, and use it to prove that me has thinks and feels. Me guess mine point is that people need to stop assuming and judging and trying to make everyone in a box or as a cookie cutter person. We is all different and that’s a good thing. Years and being judged has me scared to be myself even alone in mine own bedroom. It makes me has anxiety to stim or play with my toys or watch what me wants on tv. It makes me think me am not good enough. That me needs to either be like other people mine age and understand stuff, or that me needs to be completely helpless and not have any thinks. I’m working on being me. And me should be respected. People need accept and respect that even tho me am different, and needs help that me am still a person who should has choices of mine life and listened to, and that me can be a friend. Oh that’s a thing to, yes me wants a friend. Yes me am different and not socializing like others but I’m still like has people that likes same things as me and has fun together. But the problem is most people that like me and sometimes visit or text me only see me as this like little kid or very disabled person and don’t really try to get to know me. Well and 1 or 2 who think me should be age appropriate at understanding things and have normal interest. I’m would like someone my ageish who will has fun playing with me. Me has see a few adults that live with family and has lots needs like me and likes same things, but they parents don’t give a chance to has friends, maybe they think the person can’t because can’t read and/or because me on Facebook me am to high functioning to be they friend. Me would even like if a person doesn’t care to play with me if they accept me, stim and interest, if they would has the patience to communicate with me as a friend, ask me what me likes, talk of life like me understand more than just ine abcs, ask me how me feels of losing so much to ms. 

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