Burden or friend?

I’m has a big talk for you to think of today. First me will tell you of myself, and then give a few important people in my life nicknames because im prolly should has long ago but just took the idea from mine friend thesarcasticautist.
For those that not knows me hi I’m Tiggy (aka Juan). Tiggy is mine nickname because I love white tigers super much and always has. Wolves is my 2nd favorite and then all other animals except mosquitoes. I’m loves Disney most especially Aladdin and the lion king and Sophia the first/Elena of avalor. I’m also loves paw patrol, MLP, RUGRATS and all mine growing up shows (blues clues, ed edd eddy, arthor, little bear, etc. . .). I’m a super big fan of PBS especially wild kratts and word world and odd squad- me has almost all them apps. I loves build a bear and the zoo. My favorite thing is to make people smile and laugh. But also me has multiple differences and disabilities. Some me was born with like severe autism and cerebral palsy. Some life gave like ptsd and multiple sclerosis. Some things are on the inside on my tummy and heart and stuff. Some is in mine head like seizures and ocd. And some is on my body. And then there’s stuff like my low iq and allergies that affect all the other things. I’m has been nonverbal all my life with incontinence. Growing up me was the kid that would play in poo and run into traffic and self injury. Most these can be blamed on sensory and communication challenges. I’m still struggling with some of these things and others. And in addition I’m now completely wheelchair bound and need help with even holding my head up much less eating or putting on clothes. I’m use switch control to type but as it’s getting to hard I’m waiting for a eyegaze device. 

Some main people in mine life is Cheetos- my POA and Grr. They is mine main caregivers and friends. Kitty is my best friend like a sister but online. Carebear (boy) was mine therapist for 5 years. And Reeses was mine caregiver for those 5 years and the best support of my life who helped me with communication like read and write. Yes me still needs lots of help with people, google (images), and technology (such as iPad speak screen and mine Dynavox) to be more than 1stgrade level. 


Ok now that you understand of me let’s talk of what’s important. Do you read or see news and story’s of parents and caregivers being told it’s ok they murder us disabled? Do you read the stories and see YouTube videos of parents (especially of us with autism and/or severe physical challenges) that talk of how hard it is to deal with us? I do. It makes me sad. I’m has been abused by family and homes because I’m to different and/or because I’m not can understand. Do you know what it’s like to be told your whole life that you’re a burden? I’m feel guilty for everything. I’m feel like a bad person every time me needs help, and well that’s a lot. Grr had to my leave my life before and me didn’t understand. He finally told me (in different words) that it became to much to help me. In his defense he has ASD to just more high functioning. Reeses was my caregiver back then and he was open of how hard it can be to take care of me. But he had other problems to. Cheetos is a new kind of person in mine life. He not has any big challenges not even common things like diabetes or anxiety and depression. He has a good job and stable housing and family that cares. He says I’m not a burden. But I’m terrified to ever show him my worst because he has no other experience with any of my challenges. What if I gives him anxiety problems because he’s never deal with this before? Obviously he’s been there now for some of my worst such as flashbacks and being physically a rag doll unable to move anything. He has handle some panic attacks and seen days I’m in to much pain to do anything. He always is wonderful. But he’s not seen my worse partly because just him working and partly because I’m physically unable to have some of my old behaviors. He’s not dealt with headbanging even tho knows it happens, he’s never had to keep me safe from running into traffic during a meltdown, he’s not had much experience with me being so disoriented from a seizure or ms that I has no idea where me am or who he is. And even tho he’s been there during sometimes, he doesn’t know how much times I’m a complete rag doll unable to move anything except my eyes or maybe a finger, or even when not that bad how much I’m unable to feed myself even with my support aids (such as active hands grip aids). Things like smiling and breathing and swallow can become very hard for me. But I’m never complain because what if this time it’s to much. Me sees blogs and things of other people with differences from autism to cp to als that talk of how we’re not burdens, were people who deserve to live in the community. I’m try to tell myself that to. But then everyone not challenged only talks of how hard we are to deal with. Even good people who care. And I think on this. Even with the mental age of a 6 year old. Has you ever met a 6 year old who has been told how worthless they is them whole life? Many girls by age 7 have eating or self esteem issues because they don’t think they’re pretty. Point is even us with low iq and severe disabilities can have thinks and feels of these things even if we not express it in a way you understand. (Behaviors can say so much you’ll never know) We understand more than you think. Me thinks of how people find it nearly impossible to go out with me anywhere because of the extra planning needed because what if sensory is to much or what if the plan changes and me struggle to cope. Even just the having to put me in and out the car. What if people is rude because I’m stimming. And what if it takes forever because I’m actually trying to type and communicate, which means I can’t drive my power wheelchair and so we have to stop and wait for me to be able to find what wants says, and all the time needed for me to process and understand language. I’m wants so hard to just be a friend. Someone people like to spend time with and have fun. But that’s just not possible. I’m can’t communicate much and when me do it takes forever. And in order to do anything with me you have to help me. Also besides little kids and other with my mental differences not many people like what me likes. But honestly I’m thinking can be a friend. You just need lots patience and be able to help me but still respect me as a person. My life is valuable even if I’ll never be a normal working person. (Fun fact I’m using apps that teach coding to 5 years olds to try learn how make things that is switch accessible on Hopscotch) I think that no matter how much help me needs both physically even with ADLs and mentally I’m still should be respect of having valid feelings and opinions. My body and my brain is not my soul. My iq does not define me. (Tip iq can be more big if given extra supports and lots more time- it can take me days to process something even with visual supports). Grr has this great system where he interacts with me and talks to me like a friend but uses more examples and smaller words. When I’m unable to communicate and when he’s taking my rag doll body like I’m a baby he makes sure to talk to me and make jokes, he even speaks my side of the conversation lol. He really makes me feel included and valid and takes the focus off what I can’t do and onto who me am. Example he may be giving me a bath and let me know he’s going to wash my armpits. Then he’ll say something like “Yes Juan I put on deodorant. I don’t need your sass” or when he’s feeding me he’ll tell me of his day and talk like he would to a not disabled person eating lunch with him.  Cheetos has a great system to where he talks to me mostly normal just try simple words and small sentences and wait super duper patient for me to take all the time needs to process what he says and respond. Both ways include me and has they times is best, and both people always pay attention to any sound or move me makes no matter how small that shows them am trying to communicate and they respond best can. But did you see what me see? Grr who takes the most care of my physical needs and is used to me being unable to communicate much more than a half smile or noise is also the person that says me can become to much. Cheetos who deals with those way less and is used to me communicating via aac no matter how slow is the person who thinks I’m not ever a burden. So here is what me has to think on, when me has eyegaze and can communicate with Grr more will me be less a burden? Or will that not matter and when Cheetos has to spend more time on my physical needs will me start to become a burden even tho can communicate more as a friend? Am me a burden more because my physical challenges or my mental differences? Or is it just all my health combined? Will being able to communicate things make me more a friend? Or will it just show how different and special and disabled me am? Better question is it really ok for society to tell everyone from us with disabilities to our caretakers and friends to random strangers that we are burdens and put all the blame on us for things we not can help? Or would it do more to realize that we’re people to and everyone needs help so instead make the community more accessible and have more supports so that nobody becomes overwhelmed? Fun fact anyone can become disabled at any time – you can have a stroke or fall and break your spine or develop MS or OCD or have a trama that causes PTSD at any age. So even if you managed to stop all differences we’re born with you would still have disabled people. And not just old people. It’s a lot for you to think on. Take your time and discuss this with others. I guess there are 3 important things that I want you to understand and remember 1) no matter our differences- physical or mental- doesn’t affect our soul 2) anybody can become disabled at any moment- yep even you 3) (related to both) even the most disabled person can be a good friend if they has good support-both people support and tech support no matter how simple the tech. If you want to see a great example and inspiration I suggest watching Special Books by Special Kids on YouTube or Facebook. Here’s a video with him and Hayden https://youtu.be/PIKP-ypaOIU

On dependence and friendship 

You know what’s really hard? Finding friends like me. Well ok making friend at all. But even for a nonverbal autistic adult who is mostly housebound I’m having extra trouble. Do you know why? Because I’m not smart enough. There are things on Facebook and the internet for adults with disabilities to make friends. Lots of nonverbal adults and or housebound adults use them. But I’m not a very smart nonverbal person. My iq is a little higher than you expect by looking at me but not super much. I have help reading and typing but even with that there’s the problem that I just don’t understand stuff. I’m not a very good adult friend. Some people kinda just deal with me like a baby brother or just ignore me. Both is sad. I’m smart enough to know I’m different. Most people like me don’t have Facebook. They have family and or support living. I think we need a space to make friends like us. I like to share paw patrol pictures and stuff on my Facebook. I has learn that Facebook can be very mean so I don’t add people I don’t know anymore. But me wish was something for us. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m to disabled or not disabled enough. I guess both. To disabled to make friends like me and not disabled enough to not know. And it’s more bad in my head because sometimes I feel like a fake, like maybe I’m not trying enough. Part of it is the problems from ms – things like pain and heat flash and tired body and brain that you can’t see so it’s like why can sometimes I sit up and feed myself and others I need trunk and head support and someone to feed me. Part of is that with support and time I can do things like use Facebook or make this blog and it seems like the world thinks if I’m I can type at all me should be very smart and always able to understand what people say and if me has any understanding I’m should never has meltdowns or shutdown. Like I’m supposed to be really high functioning. But that if I’m dependent on others then I should have the brain of a baby. It’s all you see. People like who have severe differences that leave them nonverbal (autism, cp, ms, als, etc. . .) either is shown being average or above average smart when they get a device or they’re shown as completely helpless and not understanding anything. I will say great support means everything. I have 2 main caregivers. For now it’s still not all the time but is working with the state on something better. But both is mine friends. But it’s funny because 1 likes to do everything for me and let me know it’s ok to want help, and the other likes to do as much I can but will still help when me needs it. So like I’m being told to be more independent and less independent at the same time. Kinda confusing for me because I can’t find that point of where I’m pushing myself to hard, maybe because it changes everyday. Almost everything can cause pain and tired from brushing mine teeth to changing myself, even trying to sit up with no head and chest support. So I can be independent and hurt and be sleepy or I can let someone do things for me so I can be awake and enjoy them. Anyway the great thing about both of them is they completely accept me. They are ok that I’m very childish and need help but they still talk to me like a person. Maybe not exactly how they do other people our age because they respect what I can and can’t understand or deal with. But they don’t make me feel less. Even when I can’t move at all and am like a rag doll they joke and talk to me as tho I’m was able to reply . One even says my reply for me lol. The best thing tho was a day I’m was having a panic attack. I can’t understand words when I’m like that. I sent a picture text of my 5 point scale to show how me was. And when I didn’t respond to word texts he started finding ways to text with pictures to help me calm down. He was super patient and eventually I calmed down. It meant everything to me because nobody has ever do that before. Communication on my level was awesome. And honestly me wish more of the time people would text with in pictures since reading is so hard for me. Which again goes back to why having friends on my level would be nice. The other thing people don’t think of is communication with me on the go. I have a power wheelchair and a communication device (luckily am getting new better ones this year). The problem is even at mine most able times it’s impossible for me to drive the chair and type. So when we walking I can focus on where we are going or I can stop driving to process what the person say and find and type a response. The other option is to be pushed in a transport chair. Basically at mine absolute best I have to choose between independence or having a voice. I like being able to go where me wants to show things me sees but then I miss out on jokes and things. As I’m more and more housebound tho it’s not a problem but when I’m doing better and want to enjoy fresh air and have fun for a little bit it’s sad. I thinks it’s even more hard on me tho because I’m just getting more good at communication so it’s like now I’m learning how to say things and want to share but I’m not able to. It’s like in order to enjoy the friends me do has I has to give up most mine independence so that I can communicate and not be overwhelmed by pain and tired. But it’s hard because I’m already to dependent to make any new friends. And words the thing that is supposed to free me is something that has always been to hard for me. Even now that I’m learning ways to use them my brain gets to tired to understand or use them both trying to listen to people and trying to text. I want something like Tippy talk and bitmoji and Facebook combined. A way for us that have trouble with words to communicate with each other. But like with groups because some of us are still childish and will want to share cartoons and coloring but others are more smart and will want to talk of dating or politics. Idk I’m just sometimes feel like I’m the only person like me. I guess my past is to blame because of the abuse and homelessness. I didn’t have family keeping me safe from the world. I didn’t learn independent or communication skills I learned how to hide. And when I got help in my 20s it wasn’t by professional it was by a person my age. So me was teach different things and was teach them differently. And me got MS which stopped me from doing the things me was learning. I had learn a lot even if needed help but then it got take away. And for the last few years all me has to work is words. And even tho it’s the most hard thing ever me has done good. It’s a way to say me has needs and wants and feels and thinks. Me still uses lots supports but me can type this and me has Facebook. But it means that me has learn that me am alone. Learning is supposed to be good but not learning that there is a whole big world and you don’t belong anywhere not even with other people that has same things as you. In other news they should make a towel for wheelchairs. Like that attaches to it and covers it but is wide enough to fold over and cover you to with a head piece. 

Disability without a family 

I see this thing a lot that says autism doesn’t come with instructions it comes with a family that doesn’t give up. But what nobody talks about is that there are children with autism that don’t has loving supportive understanding families. There are those like me who grew up abused and or homeless. Where you don’t get food much less treatment. Where you may not go to school. And when you do all they can see is behaviors. And then eventually you get put in a residential or psychiatric hospital or both or other institutions. And they may send you back to the abuse after they discharge you or maybe you’ll be sent to a foster home or a group home and may be abused again by strangers who just want the money for having you. People who know the basics of my story are surprised I’m alive. Actually pretty much every cop and doctor type person who has ever seen me is surprised. I don’t know how me survive me just do. Just lucky maybe. Weeks without food doesn’t kill me. I’ve walked into traffic, into water and had to be rescued from drowning. When me was 16 I’m was less than 100lbs with almost no understanding of language at all. I’m was in a residential that now is closed because kids has died and been raped there. In strange ways my autism has saved me. It kept me safe in my world not really understanding everything happening. It had me focused on all the beautiful things like pretty trees and stars. My behaviors and meltdowns from overstimulation kept me safe sometimes. And because of my sensory differences me was always in quiet dark places away from people which kept me safe lots of times. There was good people at the residential. A lady who helped try to communicate with me. A guy who let me do whatever I needed as long as it didn’t hurt anyone.   After the residential I’m was homeless again. Random people came into my life. Some helped me and made sure me ate and had clothes, others hurt me and did bad things, many did both. Eventually me met my old caregiver. Was he perfect? No. But he did more good than bad. He work with me for years on communication and self care. He learned of my seizures and had me see doctors and stuff. He got me important things like ssi and food stamps and eventually housing. 

 And then he was gone. And there was no one. It’s been a little over 2 years that me hasn’t had a full time caregiver. And that me has been type this blog thingy. And in that 2 years Me has learned how much Me needed him. And with the MS I’ve needed him more than ever. We didn’t know when he left that me had it, but me did. Not even the doctors had put my symptoms together even as he was teaching me how to say something hurt. Everything got blamed on autism. Even my cerebral palsy. Well now me know it was wrong. But here me am alone. My interest keeps me happy most the time. Mostly me am like a little kid with my Disney movies and toys. I stim the best me can, me has meltdowns and shutdowns here alone. But me do things. Sometimes me eats or takes bath. The other day me spend 3 hours getting dressed by myself and went to build a bear. But it’s hard both the mental and physical parts from understanding me needs to eat to thinking all the steps to getting my body listening to holding stuff (me do has tools to help hold stuff). Even open the fridge is more hard than thinks. 

   Most people you see that has such physical disability has family and friends that help. They live with people. The same for people with neurological differences like mine. But not me. Here me am in this apartment doing things and not doing things. Nobody to help me but nobody to judge me or hurt me or make things worse by trigger my ptsd or messing up my sensory needs. Some days when me thinks on it me am proud of me for surviving and doing things. Other days Me has all the feelings and wonders why I don’t have a family to help me. Most days I’m to much autistic to think of anything that isn’t related to my interest or routines or sensory things; or to anxiety thinks of what to do and how to do it. My autism is a neurological difference, a important part of me am. It’s what makes me Me, happy and creative and determined and always seeing the best. Even my cp is more of a difference because I’ve always had it. My MS is a disability it takes things away from me and makes me not able do things me love. 

Anyway the point is not everyone who has autism or other disabilities no matter how severe is lucky and has a loving understanding supporting family. Some of us are or was homeless and or abused and are just surviving. And that we are surviving because of our differences and disabilities just as much as in spite of them. Being different doesn’t mean you get a good family. Honestly because of how hard it can be taking care of us with the most and most severe disabilities we’re prolly more likely to be hurt by those who should love and care for us, like all these sad stories of kids killed by they parents. My mamá try to kill me and me am glad it not worked. Mine life isn’t easy but there is love and happiness not just pain and nobody should take that away from me or anyone else no matter how different we are. Even when we can’t talk and may always be stimming and running and other stuff and even when we can’t barely move our own bodies. 

Invisible disabilities and differences 

I have been working on this a long time. It’s a bit of a long post but it’s really important to me. It’s easy for people to recognize physical differences. But most differences aren’t visible, especially if you don’t know the signs. This is super important to always remember because it’s easy for people to judge or make assumptions of people by what they see. I’m going to talk of some of my invisible challenges to help you understand. They are of course more than what I deal with but I can only talk of me and my experience. I think a big problem is so many people judge people and don’t even try to understand what is going on that they can’t see. And it’s a very big problem for those of us with problems communicating. We may not be able to express what’s going on so people will think we’re acting out. And even caregivers and doctors may be fast to blame our diagnosis instead of looking for a reason like pain that can be fixed. Actions are communication to even if you’re verbal. Body language can say a lot of what a person is going through if you try to understand. 

So one thing is im nonverbal. You can’t see that. Even when I have a communication device most people think it’s a tablet for games. So people are always thinking I’m rude or at least deaf because I can’t talk. And when I’m making noise they think something is wrong with me even when I’m doing the best I can to ‘talk’.  I don’t need to be judged by my lack of words, i do the best me can. Related to that is i have auditory processing problems so a lot of time I don’t understand what’s being said or that’s it’s to me. I may understand minutes later but then it’s to late. 

Pain and fatigue are big invisible challenges. You can’t see them. Sometimes people think you’re being lazy or pretending to be unable to do something especially if sometimes you can. All kinds of ‘disabilities’ have pain and fatigue as big parts. Such as my cp and ms. There are days I can’t move literally because my body is fatigued, and there are days I barely move because everything hurts. Some people who don’t look physically different have these things to.

Anxiety and related stuff. I get anxiety attacks, panic attacks, intrusive thinks, and flashbacks and other stuff from PTSD and OCD. I’m not trying to be difficult or emotional or perfect or ignoring anyone. These things are very real and can take over my brain so that I’m stuck on something. I may not noticed anything around me. I may be obsessed trying to fix something or put in order or I may just sit there blank or crying. Or maybe I’m just look a bit distracted and then snap. It’s a lot to deal with and lots of people have these things and deal with them everyday but nobody knows because they smile and or hide. Depression also goes here.

Sensory processing problems. Lights, sounds, textures, smells are all easy to be painful. I’m not just picky because I won’t eat stuff or wear things. I’m not having a behavior problem when I’m running away and hiding or when I’m covering my ears and eyes and being loud not moving or even having a meltdown banging my head. I’m in lots of pain and my body is trying to protect me. 

Vision problems. I have problems seeing even with my glasses. You can’t tell that by looking at me. But if I’m moving slow or not responding to something I see there’s a reason. My eyes act funny some from cp and from ms. It can take me a few minutes if at all to fully understand what I’m seeing. Especially if it involves words or something moving. A big problem with this for me is crossing streets. Especially before my service dog and even with her I mess up lots and get in the way of cars. People get mad like I’m doing it on purpose. I’m not and it scares me when I almost get hit.

Seizures. Yes some seizures are invisible or at least don’t look like seizures. Some seizures you may fall and or shake. But sometimes my body just gets stiff an my face blank. Or maybe my start blinking funny for a few seconds. Or My body just barely shake or jerk. But if I’m acting funny then I may have a had a seizure. It can make my head hurt or make me puke or just be really confused or tired. I may not be able to understand I had a seizure until way after it’s over but it will still affect me and so people around me should be understanding. Not thinking I’m rude staring or just acting silly. 

There are also lots of other differences from different neurological things. My brain gets blank and I can’t think. I have problems making my body listen, sometimes it moves on it’s own or doesn’t move at all. I can’t remember something very long and get stuff easy confused. I can’t tell if I’m hungry or my blood sugar is low or I’m cold or other things, and until it’s figured out and fixed I’m uncomfortable and it shows. It’s like a baby, I don’t understand what’s wrong and I can’t say anything but if I cry or something else It lets people know i need help. Sometimes people think I’m mad at them and really I’m not I’m just in some sort of pain that I can’t explain. 

You can’t see any of these things but it’s so easy to judge me by what you do see. I look like I’m lazy and bad and rude. I’m not. I’m working super hard to function even tho I’m in pain and having a hard time. And sometimes it’s to much for my brain and or body. People are a little nicer with me always being in the power wheelchair but not always. And even if so it’s not fair to everyone who has these things or others and don’t have a obvious physical problem. Anyway I just think people need to remember this. Because anyone can be having a invisible challenge or differences; a child with processing problems, a teen or young adult with pain and fatigue, a older person with anxiety issues. Or any combination. These things are not stereotypes or labels or excuses , they are real problems that affect real people. And you can’t see them. So instead of being upset at a person try to think of why they did what they did. We don’t need hate or judgement in this world. We need love and understanding and patience and acceptance. People are all different and that’s beautiful.

Moving and stuff 

I know me hasn’t been on for awhile but I’m been typing here and there to make this post. October was super busy. The good part is it got me a new apartment. It’s a building with mostly all older people but it’s also for disabled. It’s still being renovated, mine apartment was the 1st accessible apartment done. But I’m miss stay with my friend. I’m happy to has my place and can use my power wheelchair but it’s lonely and lots of new scary stuff. I’ve never moved alone before. Allie has been patient with me. We learned that Me has MS to add to my fruit salad. I’ve had it since 2013 but because my other differences it was hard diagnosis. It kinda just makes my autism and CP more obvious, but the 1 thing easy to know was that was when me started needing to use a calculator for more simple math. And the other is my eyes getting worse. My vision is the same but my eye muscles get tired more fast. All mine muscle do, there’s been a few times now where me am awake but my body is like rag doll. We’re working on getting me a personal assistant for a little bit during the week. My friend lives not to far and will help if me ask but I don’t want to ask. It’s different when me live there and was easy to has him help without thinking of it, like making food he needs eat to so not big to has him cook for both. Me am scared him see that me needs help more than he knows, the last person to see that mess up our friendship so bad. But Allie likes it here, there’s lots sidewalk so she gets better walks again. There are lots of times me has get my wheelchair stuck or run into stuff. I’m been working on accepting myself again. Today me decided to donate most all my books that me can’t read. I’m been practicing on read theory for a few months and I’m still not always even 2nd grade level. I need to be ok with this because it’s for fun only. I don’t have to be a super good reader no one is going to lock me up. I have the tools like Dynavox to help me read when someone texts me and I can ask them. But books is just for me. And the same with my body it’s ok me can’t walk anymore and that even my arms are worse. My soul and inside mind is still good. It just takes a long time and lots supports to show. Yesterday me did maybe a stupid thing. A guy in this building gave me food and told me it was yummy lunch. So me eat it and not think of it. But then me had a seizure and pass out and wake up vomit. I’m was allergic to it. My friend wants to get my ID address update but me am scared of the office. And if it will mess up special disabled state ID that is good for 10years. On happy stuff my friend that me likes is still accepting and liking me. We did a Halloween party thing and even win costume contest. He pushed me in the transport wheelchair and not even care that at the end he had to carry me because my body gave up. It was super fun. I’m just been physical and mentally exhausted most this month and especially the last over a week. But I’m keep trying remember I’m not stupid or bad because me needs help. My friend is good for making me feel I’m ok as me am. And me am look on Amazon for lots of stuff to help with mine differences both physical and mental. But me am scared to need more help than me do now. My friend is going to be my POA and me trust him, but I’m still scared to need more help or even let him or others see how much me needs because I don’t want anyone to think Me can’t do anything or that me am not trying mine bestest or that me am not valid even more than they do. Oh ya me made a new friend at the Halloween party. I’m being slow let her see my mental differences. She was so sweet holding my head and giving me a straw for water and telling my friend she knew I was just like them even tho my body is different. But I’m not just like them. I did text her me has autism and some problems with words, so far she’s super nice. She’s on my fb now so that may be a easy way for her to see just how different me am. Oh and build a bear got white tigers and me had to has one. Me worked hard on the name. Tomorrow me an go see Trolls.


Proud?

I have been sick lately and when I’m sick my words are more bad and takes more time. I know lots people feel sick at this time- but mines special. And not in a good way. I have a minor partial cleft palate- basically little holes inside my mouth that means mine sinuses and everything drip from nose directly to mine mouth and throat. I gets bad infections. But it’s not worth surgery to me. Anyway I’m feeling better today mostly. I forgot to charge my chair so instead of PT I got to stay in bed (FYI still at my friends house). Lucky yesterday me did the important thing and sign the papers for the lady to get me this accessible apt as soon as 1 is open and she say by November. Oh and mine bday was Sunday- me did turn 26 so says mine calendar. My friend made me a Thomas the train cake.

So they did it, the publish story on Allie and me for World Cerebral Palsy day. And here it is-  http://www.tobiidynavox.com/better-communication-rounding-circle-life/ . It’s a super nice thing they say of me. But not all of it makes sense. I mean anyone who has trouble talking prolly has anxiety even if they don’t have autism. Also technically cerebral palsy is a traumatic brain injury just when a baby, and lots of people with CP and/or Autism has aphasia- it’s just more a notice problem for people who lose language when they’re older. And lots of people with autism don’t think in words. And Core has smaller buttons not bigger. But in the end they was so nice saying nice things of me and Allie. And letting people know the different kinds of supports Dynavox Compass has that can help people. And they didn’t focus on any of the bad parts of life. I hate when people make my life this super sad story. 
I really like what they write. But I think the other part for me is that people want to be proud of being able to communicate better now. I’m not. I’m happy of it but not proud. Maybe proud of the people that made the device and software, and proud of the people who work so hard to get it for me and teach me how to use it. But I have a problem feeling proud of myself for something most people can do as a toddler or young child. I mean I know it’s not my fault I’m different or that I didn’t have the support when I was small, but I don’t know if I did anything to be proud of?

I’m going to share a rant thingy me had earlier to my friend. It shows some of mine thinks.

“I have tried college a few times but it just doesn’t work. But I still want to find a way to help make the world a better place. I know some people are able to use their art to make job opportunities. It’s awesome. Unfortunately all my stuff stays stuck in my head. My body doesn’t work well enough to move to drawing. But I do make some cool collages and photos edits and such sometimes. But that’s it. It’s fun and sometimes talented but mostly fun, and definitely nothing good enough to do anything with. It’s hard when you have great ideas but your brain and body can’t process them out to share or do. Sometimes it’s no fun being stuck inside your head. Even with baking I can’t usually get all the steps done by myself, and when I do it takes forever. I sit on the edge of accepting myself And differences, and feeling like a failure at life because no matter how hard I try I can’t do anything that’s expected from someone my age to contribute to society. (Granted our society sucks but still. ) Maybe this book will get done and be awesome, give me something to be proud of besides basic survival.”

So the point is 1) sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything and that I should try harder (even though it never works out and I usually wind up in a hospital) and 2) I’m working on a book. It’s about a white tiger and a wolf who learn what family is really about and how to believe in themselves. There will adventure and a bit of magic. 

I guess the thing is I’m young and trying not to die for a long time, but what do I do with my life? I love to color and watch cartoons. But I also want to do something that I can be proud of and enjoy.

I know I’m a awesome person but who I am is something almost nobody sees. Actually I think only 2 people have ever had a good idea of who me am. My old therapist, and my friend I told I have feelings for. I’m still searching for a way to express my soul. My body and brain make it hard because I don’t have good ways to use words or control my body good enough to do art. I did find this video and really want to see if I can find something to do like that. For music or art. https://youtu.be/XQ9V96NQPg4.

Here’s a pic something I would have wanted to draw but instead did the best me could as collage.

And a piece of poem art that me thinks did an awesome sauce job with.