Goals for living 

This is going to be a short post. But a very important post. I don’t want to bore you with all the details. And me not has the energy or strength to say as much as me wants. But here’s the short version. Pretty much everyone agrees me has ALS even tho the neurologist can’t or won’t officially say so until me has a few more tests just in case. I’m on the feeding tube and pump now and it’s helped, so has the hospital bed. There so much trouble trying to get the eyegaze device for communication and I’m almost completely unable to type. Soon me won’t be able to at all. It’s sad because me has not been able to communicate most my life and now that me learn words mine body isn’t able to share them. Me got a nice power wheelchair but can’t get proper supports for it for my head/neck and such until has officially diagnosis. The insurance has been working with the state to get me more care at home, it’s not a easy or fast process. They find a place to accept me for some homecare, but then the place try to give me less than was approved. The thing is we know that I need 24/7 care, even at night mostly to help position so not gets more bedsores and to keep from choking on my saliva. But a nursing home isn’t the answer. None of them are trained to work with all my challenges. I have neurological differences, mental illness, and severe physical challenges. Plus if me gets sent to a home they will just make me lay in bed all day and not can get my eyegaze device so not will be able communicate or even watch tv. And when me needs a tracheotomy tube for breathing it won’t be a option. Me will have to die because nursing homes can’t provide the 1:1 care needed for that. So Cheetos made a gofundme to try to raise money to keep me at home. If you can read it and maybe share or even donate a dollar that’d be super awesome. Me will try typing more a different day, but it maybe a while. https://www.gofundme.com/tiggys-mobility-fund

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Sharing your autistic experience 

So me has see a thing problem with trying to share mine experience. No matter how me do it me am not good enuff. Is always a reason not has to listen to me. If me types my normal with little help from anyone me am to hard to understand or my obvious intellectual and communication problems makes me invalid. But if me gets help me am see as to smart and people think am ‘high functioning’ so can’t possibly be like the other nonverbal kids who still has behaviors. Even tho me am still having behaviors. Besides behaviors is a form of communication and brain body self defense. As me am less can type me am has more behaviors. Not on purpose but is the only way you can see if me has a headache or am overwhelmed or as pain, when mine body can do nothing and me am rag doll you not can know anything of mine feels and thinks. Judging me or anyone is bad especially based on how we type. You don’t know us. You don’t see the hours working on these words. You don’t see the meltdowns me has. And even those who are ‘high functioning’ you don’t see them struggles and shutdowns. Mine friend Grr is called high functioning autism. Him works and talks. But him also stims, has meltdowns, has trouble with things like baths, has sensory problems, and can has times of nonverbal. The thing is how much you can do in 1 way is not how you do in all the ways. Do me need more help than him yes. But that not means him not needs help to. But if all you see is us typing then you not can know what him needs. You not can see his meltdowns by him typing. 

Autism, alexithymia, and depression 

I’m already on here so may as well finally remember to type this. Me has been work on for some time and me thinks is done. Me almost called this depression or politeness? Sometimes people thinks me am depressed. Usually it’s very easy to say no me not and most that knows me super can agree is not. But the last little bit me has to think on it. Is me? It’s not like would know. Alexithymia makes it almost impossible for me to understand mine feelings or even others be it sad or mad or hungry or cold or something else. Now me knows that they say some people on the ASD spectrum shows depression by avoidance more than sadness or other more neurotypical ways. But the thing is even if me can almost agree am avoiding things and people me has other reasons. 1 of them being polite and not wanting to upset people. You know the if you have nothing nice to say then not say nothing. Besides me likes make people smile not make them upset. And me not wanting peoples think is all of me and me not care of them problems to or that me only wants them when needs things and not just to has fun. And also a lot of things is just hard and hurts and not always possible. Even typing can be so hard. Me has always had problems with words/language thanks to nonverbal autism and aphasia, but now it’s even more hard, even using a switch can be hard. And all of it takes time and just is not always worth it unless someone else starts and me not wanting ignore them. And then there’s crying which is something me can blame on ms, me used to never cry but the last few years it slowly became a thing even tho me not usually feel sad. And the thinks on being a burden. The thing is how much can you really call that a silly think just from depression when on fb so many days is stories of people like me being neglected or killed by those supposed to care for them and so many people are just like it’s understandable because all of the stress and put that with my personal past of people hurting me or leaving me. Some people think you can tell someone is depressed because of barely eating or sleeping. But for me I’m barely able to eat because of choking, and I’ve had insomnia and sleeping problems mine whole life like many with autism or ptsd. Staying in bed for days and lack of interest is also physical reasons. Well I still have interest just not ability. The thing is I’m not sure you can say for sure if me has depression or not. It’s been a thing mine old therapist used to think of because of mine autism and alexithymia. And now with the new challenges it’s even more hard. But you know a thing him did say was even if me was it wasn’t mental illness. That it was a normal response to what me was going thru. And honestly if me am now me thinks the same is true. I’m going thru a lot and in addition there’s some pretty scary things on the news and Facebook that is relevant to me.  The best me can do is try communicate with mine support people best me can and do what we can to make things more easy. And this is true for anyone with differences/disabilities or in general. Even if for some people taking meds for depression is part of that. For me I’m personal immune to those and most meds even pain killers. At the end of the day people need to understand that even tho depression can definitely be a serious mental illness, it can also be a normal response to depressing things. And to never ever dismiss how a person feels or what is going thru because you think that being sad for more than a few minutes must mean something is wrong with them brain. Like all the people most especially teens that get in the hospital for depression or even anger or drugs and put on meds and then put right back into abuse or homelessness. When maybe then not need meds so much if someone was able to help with them life. But also even if it mental illness like mine ptsd and OCD you should still be understanding and not dismiss because ‘it’s all in my head’. Like dumbledore says of course it’s all happening in your mind but why on earth should that mean it is not real. Ok I’m done and if you not remember most all of this just remember to be supportive and understanding of what a person is going thru. 

Today’s adventure and mini rant

What have I done today? Mostly typed this slowly but surely, mostly from inside my tub. Yes there was a reason and me tell you in a minute. But 1st me wants to say why am typing at all. Because this is 1 them times me am to overwhelmed to knows what am feeling and thinking so typing helps me focus from the racing in mine head. But also because me wants support but not to bother nobody because it’s not an emergency and mostly me prolly needs be or get used to this. 

Anyway the reason me was typing in tub was because was stuck. Worse than stuck, me fall not 1 but 2 times off the safety seat, maybe not so safety seat. Maybe this was my mine fault but even then me wants rant and be upset. Why? Because it should not happen. Me not do anything crazy. All me did was shave and brush mine teeth. Now sometimes me ask Grr or Cheetos to shave but them is working and me was itchy so me do it. It was bleed after but no more itch. And then me remember not brush mine teeth today so did that to. That’s it. Then me got in the tub. Me took mine time not that me has much choice anyway. But me guess was just to much ask mine arms do all mine hygiene. After all this I’m prolly not getting off the bed for tonight. 

These things is horrid. Part of me is super proud of how well me do. But part of me is so much upset of the struggles me go thru and how much slow the state is to help me. It’s scary. Falling in the bath is able to get hurt, but me can use bath wipes when not can get in the tub. But what more scary is than me can barely eat or drink or take meds. Almost everyday me choke on something even if it’s just air or saliva. It takes me 3 hours to drink my brekky and is only the size of a Starbucks medium/grande. And that may be all me has all day besides a few sips of water. These things can make problems. Me has passed out because not enough air and unable to move. 1 time started drowning/choking laying in the tub, now that was most scary even if me finally got mine head move to side. I may not be able get dressed or leave the apartment for days and has already had a few minor bed sores but am get better at trying to move a little more even on bed. And what if something happens like a fire and I’m here alone unable to get in my chair. Mine eyegaze device is approved so hope to has soon but there is things that a computer not can do. 

Me will stop now. Me am happy to has some great support people who do what then can when them can and for the service people that worked and is working to get me things like the eyegaze device and the new power wheelchair with better support. Mine insurance lady and doctor is pretty good to but there is things they not can do because has wait on the state DRS. And with the new changes and stuff me am scared will soon not be able has the things me need to live in a community and be forced into another institution and not be taken good care of or has freedom be myself to best me can. But for now me will try focus on what can do and what has. 

Do you know what is funny but not ha ha funny? Me am typically for me. But even this me has to invalidate mine feelings because so much scared to upset anyone else or be a burden. Everything me type me has thing in mine head and heart that says mine problems is not that bad , that me not should bother anyone, that mine needs is not as important as them comfort and/or stress, that if them gets upset is mine fault even tho me not ask for be different or has these challenges especially now with ms. In society everything is the on the person having the problem/differences/challenges whether is autism or needs wheelchair or Deaf you has to work all the extra to accommodate everyone else instead of society making everything accessible and being understanding. Do you know how not fair that is to expect a person to not only work extra hard to function best can but also to work even more extra hard to be the understanding accommodating person for everyone else because they not can handle that you’re different and needs help even if still independent. For us to always be ok making all the sacrifices and being the scapegoat and having our needs ignored , neglected , not understood even by people that we is most close and or depends on that may not know what they is doing or they mean good is harm. Like me was tell Grr a day us with challenges is so much considered a burden that is normal for parents and caregivers to neglect or kill us and most everyone says it’s ok and understanding that we was just to much stress. No wonder me stay scared be a burden. When me was little mine birth family tried to kill me. And me has been abuse plenty. And even not so long ago abandon by people because they not could deal with me and since then mine health has only got more bad and has more needs. Ok for real me am done now. Thanks for reading. And again me will say that me am happy for the good supports me do has. 

Burden or friend?

I’m has a big talk for you to think of today. First me will tell you of myself, and then give a few important people in my life nicknames because im prolly should has long ago but just took the idea from mine friend thesarcasticautist.
For those that not knows me hi I’m Tiggy (aka Juan). Tiggy is mine nickname because I love white tigers super much and always has. Wolves is my 2nd favorite and then all other animals except mosquitoes. I’m loves Disney most especially Aladdin and the lion king and Sophia the first/Elena of avalor. I’m also loves paw patrol, MLP, RUGRATS and all mine growing up shows (blues clues, ed edd eddy, arthor, little bear, etc. . .). I’m a super big fan of PBS especially wild kratts and word world and odd squad- me has almost all them apps. I loves build a bear and the zoo. My favorite thing is to make people smile and laugh. But also me has multiple differences and disabilities. Some me was born with like severe autism and cerebral palsy. Some life gave like ptsd and multiple sclerosis. Some things are on the inside on my tummy and heart and stuff. Some is in mine head like seizures and ocd. And some is on my body. And then there’s stuff like my low iq and allergies that affect all the other things. I’m has been nonverbal all my life with incontinence. Growing up me was the kid that would play in poo and run into traffic and self injury. Most these can be blamed on sensory and communication challenges. I’m still struggling with some of these things and others. And in addition I’m now completely wheelchair bound and need help with even holding my head up much less eating or putting on clothes. I’m use switch control to type but as it’s getting to hard I’m waiting for a eyegaze device. 

Some main people in mine life is Cheetos- my POA and Grr. They is mine main caregivers and friends. Kitty is my best friend like a sister but online. Carebear (boy) was mine therapist for 5 years. And Reeses was mine caregiver for those 5 years and the best support of my life who helped me with communication like read and write. Yes me still needs lots of help with people, google (images), and technology (such as iPad speak screen and mine Dynavox) to be more than 1stgrade level. 


Ok now that you understand of me let’s talk of what’s important. Do you read or see news and story’s of parents and caregivers being told it’s ok they murder us disabled? Do you read the stories and see YouTube videos of parents (especially of us with autism and/or severe physical challenges) that talk of how hard it is to deal with us? I do. It makes me sad. I’m has been abused by family and homes because I’m to different and/or because I’m not can understand. Do you know what it’s like to be told your whole life that you’re a burden? I’m feel guilty for everything. I’m feel like a bad person every time me needs help, and well that’s a lot. Grr had to my leave my life before and me didn’t understand. He finally told me (in different words) that it became to much to help me. In his defense he has ASD to just more high functioning. Reeses was my caregiver back then and he was open of how hard it can be to take care of me. But he had other problems to. Cheetos is a new kind of person in mine life. He not has any big challenges not even common things like diabetes or anxiety and depression. He has a good job and stable housing and family that cares. He says I’m not a burden. But I’m terrified to ever show him my worst because he has no other experience with any of my challenges. What if I gives him anxiety problems because he’s never deal with this before? Obviously he’s been there now for some of my worst such as flashbacks and being physically a rag doll unable to move anything. He has handle some panic attacks and seen days I’m in to much pain to do anything. He always is wonderful. But he’s not seen my worse partly because just him working and partly because I’m physically unable to have some of my old behaviors. He’s not dealt with headbanging even tho knows it happens, he’s never had to keep me safe from running into traffic during a meltdown, he’s not had much experience with me being so disoriented from a seizure or ms that I has no idea where me am or who he is. And even tho he’s been there during sometimes, he doesn’t know how much times I’m a complete rag doll unable to move anything except my eyes or maybe a finger, or even when not that bad how much I’m unable to feed myself even with my support aids (such as active hands grip aids). Things like smiling and breathing and swallow can become very hard for me. But I’m never complain because what if this time it’s to much. Me sees blogs and things of other people with differences from autism to cp to als that talk of how we’re not burdens, were people who deserve to live in the community. I’m try to tell myself that to. But then everyone not challenged only talks of how hard we are to deal with. Even good people who care. And I think on this. Even with the mental age of a 6 year old. Has you ever met a 6 year old who has been told how worthless they is them whole life? Many girls by age 7 have eating or self esteem issues because they don’t think they’re pretty. Point is even us with low iq and severe disabilities can have thinks and feels of these things even if we not express it in a way you understand. (Behaviors can say so much you’ll never know) We understand more than you think. Me thinks of how people find it nearly impossible to go out with me anywhere because of the extra planning needed because what if sensory is to much or what if the plan changes and me struggle to cope. Even just the having to put me in and out the car. What if people is rude because I’m stimming. And what if it takes forever because I’m actually trying to type and communicate, which means I can’t drive my power wheelchair and so we have to stop and wait for me to be able to find what wants says, and all the time needed for me to process and understand language. I’m wants so hard to just be a friend. Someone people like to spend time with and have fun. But that’s just not possible. I’m can’t communicate much and when me do it takes forever. And in order to do anything with me you have to help me. Also besides little kids and other with my mental differences not many people like what me likes. But honestly I’m thinking can be a friend. You just need lots patience and be able to help me but still respect me as a person. My life is valuable even if I’ll never be a normal working person. (Fun fact I’m using apps that teach coding to 5 years olds to try learn how make things that is switch accessible on Hopscotch) I think that no matter how much help me needs both physically even with ADLs and mentally I’m still should be respect of having valid feelings and opinions. My body and my brain is not my soul. My iq does not define me. (Tip iq can be more big if given extra supports and lots more time- it can take me days to process something even with visual supports). Grr has this great system where he interacts with me and talks to me like a friend but uses more examples and smaller words. When I’m unable to communicate and when he’s taking my rag doll body like I’m a baby he makes sure to talk to me and make jokes, he even speaks my side of the conversation lol. He really makes me feel included and valid and takes the focus off what I can’t do and onto who me am. Example he may be giving me a bath and let me know he’s going to wash my armpits. Then he’ll say something like “Yes Juan I put on deodorant. I don’t need your sass” or when he’s feeding me he’ll tell me of his day and talk like he would to a not disabled person eating lunch with him.  Cheetos has a great system to where he talks to me mostly normal just try simple words and small sentences and wait super duper patient for me to take all the time needs to process what he says and respond. Both ways include me and has they times is best, and both people always pay attention to any sound or move me makes no matter how small that shows them am trying to communicate and they respond best can. But did you see what me see? Grr who takes the most care of my physical needs and is used to me being unable to communicate much more than a half smile or noise is also the person that says me can become to much. Cheetos who deals with those way less and is used to me communicating via aac no matter how slow is the person who thinks I’m not ever a burden. So here is what me has to think on, when me has eyegaze and can communicate with Grr more will me be less a burden? Or will that not matter and when Cheetos has to spend more time on my physical needs will me start to become a burden even tho can communicate more as a friend? Am me a burden more because my physical challenges or my mental differences? Or is it just all my health combined? Will being able to communicate things make me more a friend? Or will it just show how different and special and disabled me am? Better question is it really ok for society to tell everyone from us with disabilities to our caretakers and friends to random strangers that we are burdens and put all the blame on us for things we not can help? Or would it do more to realize that we’re people to and everyone needs help so instead make the community more accessible and have more supports so that nobody becomes overwhelmed? Fun fact anyone can become disabled at any time – you can have a stroke or fall and break your spine or develop MS or OCD or have a trama that causes PTSD at any age. So even if you managed to stop all differences we’re born with you would still have disabled people. And not just old people. It’s a lot for you to think on. Take your time and discuss this with others. I guess there are 3 important things that I want you to understand and remember 1) no matter our differences- physical or mental- doesn’t affect our soul 2) anybody can become disabled at any moment- yep even you 3) (related to both) even the most disabled person can be a good friend if they has good support-both people support and tech support no matter how simple the tech. If you want to see a great example and inspiration I suggest watching Special Books by Special Kids on YouTube or Facebook. Here’s a video with him and Hayden https://youtu.be/PIKP-ypaOIU

On dependence and friendship 

You know what’s really hard? Finding friends like me. Well ok making friend at all. But even for a nonverbal autistic adult who is mostly housebound I’m having extra trouble. Do you know why? Because I’m not smart enough. There are things on Facebook and the internet for adults with disabilities to make friends. Lots of nonverbal adults and or housebound adults use them. But I’m not a very smart nonverbal person. My iq is a little higher than you expect by looking at me but not super much. I have help reading and typing but even with that there’s the problem that I just don’t understand stuff. I’m not a very good adult friend. Some people kinda just deal with me like a baby brother or just ignore me. Both is sad. I’m smart enough to know I’m different. Most people like me don’t have Facebook. They have family and or support living. I think we need a space to make friends like us. I like to share paw patrol pictures and stuff on my Facebook. I has learn that Facebook can be very mean so I don’t add people I don’t know anymore. But me wish was something for us. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m to disabled or not disabled enough. I guess both. To disabled to make friends like me and not disabled enough to not know. And it’s more bad in my head because sometimes I feel like a fake, like maybe I’m not trying enough. Part of it is the problems from ms – things like pain and heat flash and tired body and brain that you can’t see so it’s like why can sometimes I sit up and feed myself and others I need trunk and head support and someone to feed me. Part of is that with support and time I can do things like use Facebook or make this blog and it seems like the world thinks if I’m I can type at all me should be very smart and always able to understand what people say and if me has any understanding I’m should never has meltdowns or shutdown. Like I’m supposed to be really high functioning. But that if I’m dependent on others then I should have the brain of a baby. It’s all you see. People like who have severe differences that leave them nonverbal (autism, cp, ms, als, etc. . .) either is shown being average or above average smart when they get a device or they’re shown as completely helpless and not understanding anything. I will say great support means everything. I have 2 main caregivers. For now it’s still not all the time but is working with the state on something better. But both is mine friends. But it’s funny because 1 likes to do everything for me and let me know it’s ok to want help, and the other likes to do as much I can but will still help when me needs it. So like I’m being told to be more independent and less independent at the same time. Kinda confusing for me because I can’t find that point of where I’m pushing myself to hard, maybe because it changes everyday. Almost everything can cause pain and tired from brushing mine teeth to changing myself, even trying to sit up with no head and chest support. So I can be independent and hurt and be sleepy or I can let someone do things for me so I can be awake and enjoy them. Anyway the great thing about both of them is they completely accept me. They are ok that I’m very childish and need help but they still talk to me like a person. Maybe not exactly how they do other people our age because they respect what I can and can’t understand or deal with. But they don’t make me feel less. Even when I can’t move at all and am like a rag doll they joke and talk to me as tho I’m was able to reply . One even says my reply for me lol. The best thing tho was a day I’m was having a panic attack. I can’t understand words when I’m like that. I sent a picture text of my 5 point scale to show how me was. And when I didn’t respond to word texts he started finding ways to text with pictures to help me calm down. He was super patient and eventually I calmed down. It meant everything to me because nobody has ever do that before. Communication on my level was awesome. And honestly me wish more of the time people would text with in pictures since reading is so hard for me. Which again goes back to why having friends on my level would be nice. The other thing people don’t think of is communication with me on the go. I have a power wheelchair and a communication device (luckily am getting new better ones this year). The problem is even at mine most able times it’s impossible for me to drive the chair and type. So when we walking I can focus on where we are going or I can stop driving to process what the person say and find and type a response. The other option is to be pushed in a transport chair. Basically at mine absolute best I have to choose between independence or having a voice. I like being able to go where me wants to show things me sees but then I miss out on jokes and things. As I’m more and more housebound tho it’s not a problem but when I’m doing better and want to enjoy fresh air and have fun for a little bit it’s sad. I thinks it’s even more hard on me tho because I’m just getting more good at communication so it’s like now I’m learning how to say things and want to share but I’m not able to. It’s like in order to enjoy the friends me do has I has to give up most mine independence so that I can communicate and not be overwhelmed by pain and tired. But it’s hard because I’m already to dependent to make any new friends. And words the thing that is supposed to free me is something that has always been to hard for me. Even now that I’m learning ways to use them my brain gets to tired to understand or use them both trying to listen to people and trying to text. I want something like Tippy talk and bitmoji and Facebook combined. A way for us that have trouble with words to communicate with each other. But like with groups because some of us are still childish and will want to share cartoons and coloring but others are more smart and will want to talk of dating or politics. Idk I’m just sometimes feel like I’m the only person like me. I guess my past is to blame because of the abuse and homelessness. I didn’t have family keeping me safe from the world. I didn’t learn independent or communication skills I learned how to hide. And when I got help in my 20s it wasn’t by professional it was by a person my age. So me was teach different things and was teach them differently. And me got MS which stopped me from doing the things me was learning. I had learn a lot even if needed help but then it got take away. And for the last few years all me has to work is words. And even tho it’s the most hard thing ever me has done good. It’s a way to say me has needs and wants and feels and thinks. Me still uses lots supports but me can type this and me has Facebook. But it means that me has learn that me am alone. Learning is supposed to be good but not learning that there is a whole big world and you don’t belong anywhere not even with other people that has same things as you. In other news they should make a towel for wheelchairs. Like that attaches to it and covers it but is wide enough to fold over and cover you to with a head piece.